Our intrepid reporter Helen Heckler was lucky enough to land an interview with Tommy Agombar after Hereford United’s win at home to Biggleswade Town last Saturday.
Helen: Thanks for taking the time to talk to us, Tommy.
Tommy: Yeah, no problem. Always willing to talk to a pretty lady.
H: Err, ok. Anyway, good performance today wouldn’t you say?
T: Fackin’ spot on there, Helen. We ran rings round them, should have scored a hat full.
H: Disappointing crowd though?
T: Not really. It doesn’t matter how many come to the games, it won’t change what I’ve got planned for this place.
H: Can you explain to our readers what these plans are?
T: Yeah. At the moment this is all a bit of a play thing for me. I’m pretty much running everything whatever the fackin’ FA say.
T: Fackin’ right! I pick the team, I sign the players, this is my fackin’ club innit!
H: So what about the manager and chairman, what are their roles?
T: Jon Taylor is on the books for his knowledge of the property business; I pick the fackin’ team, he does what he’s told or he’s out, naa what I mean? As for Mandy Lonsdale – that’s my nickname for him, haha – he’s my bitch, I need him there to front of the club.
H: Wow, this is amazing, Tommy. So Jon Taylor has experience of the property business, what’s that all about?
T: Don’t be naive my little flower. We are going to knock this shithole stadium daan and build on it ain’t we! Jon’s old man can help us wiv all that. As for Mandy, he knows fack all about fack all so don’t worry about him.
H: So these are your plans, to develop the ground. What about the club?
T- Bollocks to the club! Like I said it’s my play thing at the moment. I was hoping to launder a shit-load of cash through it when I took over but that wanker Keyte took me for a ride. He knew I cant read so I didn’t know how in debt this craphole club was. So I’m just running the place into the ground now. That way no-one will give a fack when we bulldoze the place.
H: No-one will care? What about the fans?
T: Fans? What fans? Those inbred muppets haven’t got a clue. I’ve got my own ways of dealing with them.
H: And what ways are those, Tommy?
T: Threats, intimidation … and if that don’t work then some good old Essex violence should do the trick.
H: But you cant threaten all of them.
T: No need to, I’ve made a few choice phone calls already, they know I mean business. And those hard-looking bastards around the ground on match day, they ain’t there just to make the attendances look good.
H: Did you use the same tactics with the Southern League?
T: Naa, you have to be a bit careful with people like that. You have to massage their egos, they love their influence in the game, and they also love new watches and holidays abroad.
H: You mean…
T: You know what I mean, Helen. I have my ways of gettin’ fings done.
H: Ok, how about the fans boycott, doesn’t that concern you?
T: Hahaha, tossers, the lot of ’em! They think I’m going anywhere? They’re having a laugh. I’ve got enough cash to keep this place going till the ground gets developed.
H: So you are laundering money through the club?
T: I never fackin’ said that, Helen, don’t twist my words.
H: So if you have enough money why are staff and bills going unpaid?
T: I might have money but I don’t want to fackin’ waste it do I! If I can get away without paying people I fackin’ will. Like I said this is my club, I do what the fack I want. Anyway I’d rather spend my money back in Essex than here in Hertfordshire.
H: You mean Herefordshire?
T: That’s what I fackin’ said. I’m warning you, Helen, don’t twist my words.
H: Whatever you say, Tom! So can you tell us anything about the two other directors who are involved with the club?
T: No not really. Mandy got them in to make it look a bit more legit, I’ve never even met them. You’ll have to ask Mandy.
H: So Andy … err, Mandy … does have some influence in the running of the club?
T: Listen, Mandy and me go back a long way. I owe him from when I was inside, he means a lot to me.
H: Sorry, he means a lot to you? Is there more to your friendship than just a working relationship?
T: No, fack, I didn’t mean it like that, Andy is just a mate. You twisting my words again, Helen?