Just one week before the queen is set to visit Hereford as part of the diamond jubilee celebrations, we can exclusively reveal her itinerary for the day.
10.40hrs Royal train will be delayed outside Ledbury, due to the wrong sort of rust on the line.
10.45hrs On arrival at Ledbury, train guard will announce that service is terminated due to late running, a bus connection to be provided. Train continues onto Hereford after a member of Queen’s Special Protection Unit (SPU) garrotes guard with cheese wire.
11.00hrs After presentation to Lord Lieutenant, local MPs and mayor, the Queen will briefly wave to the waiting crowd, while Duke of Edinburgh will ask a baffled bystander “Why aren’t you at work?”
11.03hrs National anthem performed by High Town’s Inca Indians Pipe Band.
11.05hrs Royal party boards official mayoral limousine (1954 black Austin Princess; low mileage; available for weddings and funerals), driven by Cllr Wilcox and flanked by Pedi-cart tricycle outriders. Entourage will pass under the raised buckets of a guard of honour, formed by six Amey JCBs.
11.10hrs Passing along Commercial Road, the royal procession will slow down briefly to admire Mr Chips’ bunting display.
11.15hrs Royal party will leave limousine in High Town to view vandalised hanging baskets (inspection of bull statue having been cancelled, due to its recent theft and removal to Sid’s No-Questions-Asked Scrapyard, Rotherwas). Duke will enquire location of nearest WC, to be told that they have been closed as part of the Jarvis Fiscal Reduction Strategy.
11.30-11.45hrs Royal walkabout of new £5 million Cathedral Close. Knighthood conferred on the dean (much to chagrin of the bishop). Duke is overheard to observe: “Ghastly shade of blue for those railings!” Departure of motorcade, after equerry pays council’s £10 on-the-spot parking fine for mayoral limo exceeding statutory six minute waiting time.
12 noon Royal party arrives at King George V Playing Fields. They will be asked to pay £10 per head admission until SPU operative brandishes a tazer stun gun. Cllr Terry James, dressed in a gorilla suit, performs his famed impersonation of King Kong, hanging from memorial gates waving to the Royal party. The Duke will again enquire about location of toilets, to be told by an Amey operative: “I should go behind a tree, mate – we do.”
12.30-13.50hrs Distribution of official Diamond Day polystyrene picnic boxes, supplied by Hum-Ming Gardens, Foley Street (£9.99 including soy sauce sachet and plastic fork). Cllr Wilcox to pay for Queen as she never carries cash. Duke will demand a large Courvoisier, before beginning an animated conversation with one of the young Chinese waitresses from the Hum-Ming Gardens (“I’m 91 you know?”). The Duchess of Cornwall to sign copies of her culinary bestseller ‘Mutton Dressed as Lamb’ (£19.99; Snipcock & Tweed).
14.00hrs Departure of royal party by helicopter of the Queen’s Royal Flight (on lease from Virgin Airlines), which briefly has to turn back to collect the Duke, who is discovered relieving himself behind a tree.